After College

After college, you get to deal with a new form of hell.  Getting that first job and trying to start your career.  Easier said than done, isn't it (especially with a world-class sense of self-doubt)?  This time was still a time of misplaced veiled hope for the future and unrealistic possibilities. This is a time of reflection, undeserved optimism, revisionist history and the like. 

This section is for the labels: After College, The Blue Notebook (which was more of a really thick folder).  This basically cover the end of college to a year or two after.  i was living in Vancouver, WA (for 5 months ending in August 2000 i think) in an apartment by myself just writing useless stuff trying to luck my way into a business job/career - denied.  It was the first time i ever spent on my own.  While it was ultimately unsuccessful, it was a needed experience.  

Though living in my ex-girlfriend's hometown was probably a bad choice.  It was one of those where you wish you could meet someday and there would be swelling romantic music, and she would admit she still loved me and start up again. The other side was the absolute fear that i would run into her and awkwardness would ensue.  i thought i could rise to the occasion in an unfamiliar space, boy was i wrong. It was one of the biggest risks i ever took in my life. Life 1, me 0.

Though this is one of the rare times (Blue Notebook) where i was thinking up terrible lyrics and even maybe singing them while walking down the busy street. So, yes, some of these were more written as lyrics/songs than just words. Man, i hope nobody heard me. 

Holly crap, i just realized i'm a delusional romantic who doesn't know how to be romantic.

July is a hard month for me. There was the life-altering unpleasantness in '99, it's my least favorite season (summer), and my memory is surprisingly stubborn.  

After College:

* I Took for Granted (6/11/99) Post 54

* I Miss You; I Want You (5/11/99) Post 55

* It's Another Day Without You (6/22/99) Post 92

* Did I Throw It All Away (6/22/99) Post 93 

* Somebody Loves Me (Rewrite) (6/22/99) Post 103

* Got To Hold On (7/2/99) Post 176.  Maybe a little too honest

* You're Never Too Far Away (7/3/99) Post 177

* It's Slowly Killing Me (date Unsure, probably 7/5/99) Post 179

* I Thought That You Were the One (7/8/99) Post 180 - A little too true.

* Where is the Love (7/8/99) Post 261 - There is the angst i've been missing

* The Truth of Who You Are (July 99, date unclear) Post 181 - was i ever wrong.

* Maybe Someday Someone Will Love Me (7/18/99) Post 330 - spoiler: fake lyrical optimism.

* The Face of an Angel, The Heart of a Devil Inside (7/18/99) Post 332 - post breakup (or should i say "BU you know what this means" in an e-mail) angst. 

* Nothing is Forever (9/25/99) Post 617 - why do you write depressing lyrics? Maybe because i was depressed. Some interesting lines. Sometimes i see why she viewed some of this as poetry (without "chorus" parts).

* When It's Over (9/25/99) Post 728 - Yes, i used the phrase "bottomless abyss". This is basically the style i have always been trying for.

* Had to Let Her Go (8/25/99) Post 729 - holy editing/cut-and-pasting errors Batman. Yes, it cut off the margin

The Blue Notebook:

*  I Don't Love You Anymore (11/19/99 Post 13. i totally still did. My attempt at the 10cc, i'm not in love style. They did it way better

* Stop Go (11/20ish/99) Post 22: A little different format.

* The Only Woman I See (12/13/99) Post 32

* The Lover After You (12/18/99) Post 50. Sadly there never was (once bitten, a million times shy).

* Before the Last Heartbreak Falls (12/19/99) Post 52 

* Picking up the Pieces (1/10/00) Post 147 

* Something So Strong (1/10/00) Post 149: the way i wish it could have been. What if a woman said "yes", i know an impossible dream.

* I Saw it in Your Eyes (1/15/00) Post 244

* I'm the Man of Your Dreams (1/27/00) Post 245

* Me and You (1/31/00) Post 247

* I Wish I Never Fell In Love With You (2/23/00) Post 325 - honestly, sort of do, sort of don't.

* There You Are (3/3/00) Post 328 - finally in Vancouver, WA maybe February. There usually is a title or line i consider decent. 

* My Piece of Paradise (3/9-10/00) Post 329 - should have cleaned up the "chorus" used reflected in your eyes in consecutive lines.

* From the Moment I Looked Into Your Eyes (4/10/00) Post 391

* The Times We Had (4/10/00) Post 392

* IOU (A Lifetime of Love) (4/11/00) Post 394

* Watching Over Me (4/12/00) Post 395 

* The Longest Year (5/1/00) Post 446

* Another Hand to Hold (5/3/01) Post 448

* Phoenix (4/18/00) Post 849

* Every Time I Hold You (5/18/00) Post 850

* Coming True (6/18/00) Post 851

* Summertime Romance (6/18/00) Post 852

* Why Wait for Tomorrow (6/18/00) Post 853

* Stop the Pain 6/30/00) Post 855

* Untitled (7/1/00) Post 856 - a series of lines thrown together with better results than i anticipated. Your mileage may vary.

* I Could Be Yours (7/6/00) Post 857

* Match Made in Heaven (6/30/00) Post 858

* Seems Like You're Falling (Falling in Love) (7/6/00) Post 859

* Connected (7/15/00) Post 861 - maybe the one time in my life i've ever used the word "whom".

* Turn Another Page (7/15/00) Post 862

* I'll Never Say I Love You Again (7/16/00) Post 863

* Whisper (7/16/00) Post 864

* Breaking My Heart (10/8/00) Post 868

* Even if the Rain Won't Fall (10/25/00) Post 872

* Insomniac (Happy Version) (12/1/00) Post 873

* Dying to Forget You (8/26/00) Post 880

* It's You (5/16/00) Post 887

* Love.exe (5/6/00) Post 889

* Heart Attack (5/11/00) Post 891

* Delusion (5/10/00) Post 892 - first line: sweet illusion leaves a bitter aftertaste

* I Know I've Been Here Forever (5/11/00) Post 894

* Fallen Angel (5/13/00) Post 898

* Jennifer (2K Version) (6/14/00) Post 918